Psalm 91:2
As I reflect back on these last 6 amazing months of Cohen's life, I keep hearing one of my nurses in the back of my mind saying, "You're worrying is only beginning! Just wait 'til he's here!" She said this as I was a few months away from giving birth and we were lightheartedly discussing my propensity to worry about the pregnancy. At the time, I couldn't imagine being more worried than I had been over the last several months. I imagined all my cares melting away as soon as they placed little Cohen in my arms at the hospital. I was so focused on getting him here that I failed to contemplate very far into the future at all! This nurse was right. There are new worries at every stage of Cohen's life for me to look forward to. Little did I know then that all my anxiety and trouble leading up to April 12th was preparing me for the rest of my life!
The very first night in the hospital I couldn't sleep because I was intent on making sure everything was ok with Cohen. As soon as we got home, I started worrying about SIDS and the common newborn rapid breathing patterns and whether he was sleeping enough, eating enough, being held too much etc. After my exhaustion bottomed out and things slowed down a little and I actually had time to think, I began to analyze my thoughts. Wow! Had I not learned anything the last 9 months? God clearly communicated to me after my visit to the ER that I needed to trust him and hand everything over to Him. Concerning not just Cohen, but everything in my life. All these balls I was trying so hard to juggle, were falling. I hadn't been doing such a great job micro-managing my life. It was as if God was saying "Let it go!". After all, why would I insist on holding all these things in my life ever so closely to me when I could drop them at any time when all along I can hand them over to an infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing God with steady hands? I have been working on this my entire life, but now for real! This little baby was my world from the moment we found out about him, sight unseen! So, every day, every hour and even every minute of bed rest, I had to consciously let go of all my fears and worry and control of the fate of my unborn baby. Hardest thing in the world and I wasn't very good at it. Although it was one of the most challenging times of our lives, I look back on it with fondness and I cherish it because God walked the difficult path with us and showed me so many things about who I need to be and how I need to grow.
So as Cohen is growing up way too fast, it is as if God is saying. "Here we go- Trust me and let him go!" Because life will be filled with sickness, bumps, bruises, going off to kindergarten, life-threatening sports, driving, dating, going off to college, getting married and leaving me! But as much as I love him, and it is crazy how much you love your baby, I must hand him over to a God who loves him even more than I do. And because I know this in my heart of hearts to be true, I am so thankful to God for that dark season in our lives that prepared me for a lifetime of letting go.
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| I trust God because He grew Cohen from this.... |
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| to this! |
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