Total Trust

I Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

We have been looking forward to 32 weeks for awhile. It seems like a milestone of sorts.  When we discussed the coming weeks with our doctor, he mentioned that we would have a sonogram for a biophysical profile at 32 weeks.  A biophysical profile is a test they put baby through to make sure everything looks ok.  This is what they look at:

Biophysical Attribute	Normal	Abnormal
Breathing	1 breathing episode within 30 minutes	No breathing episodes within 30 minutes
Movement	2 or more movements within 30 minutes	less than 2 movements within 30 minutes
Muscle Tone	1 or more episodes of active extension/flexion of limbs, etc. (i.e. opening and closing a hand).	Slow extension/flexion of limbs, partially open fetal hand, etc
Heart Rate	2 or more episodes of reactive heart rate acceleration within 20 min	1 or more episodes of unreactive heart rate acceleration
Amniotic Fluid	1 or more adequate pockets of fluid	Either no pockets or inadequate pockets of fluid

So we have been hoping and praying that Cohen will pass his test! I was already nervous, but then we learned that we will actually be having a sonogram every week from here on out to do a biophysical profile. He needs to pass 7 times!  Although these tests cause me a little anxiety, I am so glad we are checking up on our little one like this and are able to take all of these precautions.  If there is something wrong, I want to know!
Our first bpp sonogram was yesterday.  They allow 30 minutes total to see all these things.  I was excited to take a peak at Cohen again, but as he gets bigger it is difficult to tell what everything is!  He was fairly active yesterday, so we saw him moving and kicking and breathing. We were even able to see a little bit of hair on his little head.  They estimate he weighs 4 pounds, 11 ounces already.  Overall, he is measuring 10 days ahead.  Also, the verdict remains that he is still a boy!  So no frantically changing the nursery decor! I tried to ask as many questions as I could, but after about ten minutes we were done and he had passed! Praise the Lord! We will continue to pray that he passes his following tests.
After each sonogram, we will wait and have a follow-up appointment with the doctor.  The last few times in the waiting room with Chris have been fairly boring since he generally ends up dozing off.  At that point, I monitor snoring, gaping mouth, or sudden jerky movements that would cause his elbow to fall off the arm rest. Other than that, I usually let him be.  It would take a lot of energy on my part to keep him alert and awake.  Although, the previously mentioned receptionist can jilt Chris awake momentarily with one word!
Yesterday, I completely surprised our doctor by saying I didn't think I had one question for him this time. He responded by saying, "The appointment isn't over yet!" When the doctor was listening to Cohen's heart beat with his doppler, Chris asked him if he had had it inspected recently. I gave Chris the weirdest look.  Chris' mind fascinates me. So selectively detail-oriented, he is! I guess Chris had noticed the date for re-inspection was about now and wanted to make sure the instrument the ob was using was up to snuff.  Our doctor laughed and replied that indeed he had had it inspected.  Probably the first time he was asked about that!
While we eagerly await Cohen's arrival, we also pray and trust that he will come in God's perfect timing.  We want him to be fully grown and perfect. I want him here now, but know it is better that he stays in the "oven" for awhile longer while he grows stronger and acquires more skills. It has been a long 8 months, but will be more than worth it for a lifetime of joy this little guy, our miracle, will bring us.

Valentine's Schmalentine's Part II

I'm back!  My cold took a turn for the worse and the last few days have been miserable.  It went exactly how I thought; have my mom pick me up, pay a co-pay (it absolutely kills me to do this!), wait around forever for a strep test just to be told I only have a cold and drink plenty of fluids and rest. Sounds easy except I am too miserable to sleep. Ironically, the dogs aren't keeping us awake any more because while trying to mitigate Joey's seizures he is on more medication that makes him super sleepy.  So, it's just me keeping me up!

We spent the remainder of Valentine's Day at home.  Chris baked a heart-shaped pizza and we spent the evening engrossed in The Bachelor and Harry's Law.  I highly recommend the latter, however stay away from being hooked on The Bachelor if you can help it! It's too late for me, but save yourself! At least Chris was here this year.

Last Valentine's  was  the worst we have ever had in eleven years or something.  It's not so much just Valentine's Day that was so horrible as it was the entire month of February.  Early in the month Chris learned he would be traveling to New York for work.  We were under the assumption that his trip would take about three days. These three days turned into three weeks!  We had no idea.  To make matters worse, while he was there we still had no idea how many more days he would need to stay.  At first I thought, "I can do this. I am capable of taking care of myself, two little chihuahuas,  our Golden Retriever, and a sassy cat by myself for awhile." Then the heater went out the first night. It was the beginning of February and freezing.  It happened late and I called Chris even though I knew he was unable to help me thousands of miles away.  He was just getting ready to call me and tell me he had made it to his hotel and of the nice welcoming gift in his night stand.  There was actually a little collection of marijuana in his room. You see, the town Chris was staying in was pretty small so there was one option in hotels.  Chris couldn't believe it and let me go so he could tell the front desk of his discovery.   I called my dad. While he was on his way over to see if it was a simple fix, my mind oscillated between ideas of the owners of this merchandise coming back to Chris' room and there being a shoot out and police and sirens and ideas of trying to pile on my little dogs' sweaters and seeing my breath all night long while watching the thermometer in my room drop.  Chris called back and said his situation was taken care of and he proceeded to try and google what my problem could be.  My dad arrived and assessed the situation, determining that I would need to call someone. I was so torn between paying out the wazoo for the convenience of having heat that night or toughing it out until the morning.  I hate to pay a premium for the same service just because of the timing! Another annoyance is that these companies' rates vary so much that I had to set out on a research project to see who would be the best deal.  I finally decided to set up a first-thing-in-the-morning appointment and go to bed refusing to let these companies win by taking advantage of my late-night situation, but I sure felt like the loser when I woke up to a 50 degree temperature in my house and shivering dogs!

The nice service man arrived early.  I escorted him downstairs to take a look.  As soon as he started working I hit my head and said, "The sensor just needed to be sanded, didn't it?"  He was taken aback and said, "What did you need me for?"  See, that is the only thing Chris came up with the evening before with all of his googling.  Not that I knew where to find the sensor or had any sand paper anyway.  So, that little ordeal was over.

One reason I was particularly disappointed was because we had just launched our 90 days of P90X.  We were going to do it together.  Tony Horton shows no mercy and we were on a schedule of working out 6 days a week for about an hour to an hour and a half a day.  So, while Chris had a more difficult time of it while working 12-hour days and lacking the dvds and equipment, I woke up at 4:45 in the morning and got mine out of the way.  Chris worked long hours, the weather was bad and places to eat were quite a ways away, but he attempted to keep up his work out regimen!  All of this came to a crashing halt and would put him out of commission for the remainder of the 90 days when he was using a hotel weight that was too heavy for his weighted arm circles. He ended up with bursitis of his elbow and it took until May or so to heal! So, needless to say, I finished the program by myself even after he returned home and then started over with him!

Chris ended up missing Valentine's Day, my parents' anniversary and my dad's birthday.  We also learned that even though Chris was at K-State for a few years while I stayed at WSU when we were dating, our long-distance communication isn't the best.  He was frustrated up there and I was frustrated and lonely here.  I think there were several other small incidents that I have blocked out because it seemed like things just kept happening.  I did send Chris a package with a Valentine's Day card, snacks, and more clothes as it became apparent his stay would be long.  He still needed to get his clothes dry cleaned and drove past the place that was 30 miles away and went to the one that was 60 miles away.  One of the worst things that happened  while Chris was gone happened a few days before Chris was able to come home.  My face had a horrible reaction to a new face cream! My face was puffy, red, on fire, dry, and my eyes were almost swollen shut.  I then had to go to the doctor pronto and pay the aforementioned co-pay to get a shot.  It still took a few days to get back to normal. I wanted to hide out during this time, but did my best to cover it up and went on to work and everything.  At least, Chris didn't see me like this! 

One weekend, they told Chris he could come home and get more clothes and re-group then they changed their minds and he had to stay with nothing to do all weekend. Fortunately, Chris became friends with one of the guys who worked at the company Chris was visiting, so they were able to hang out a little.  Then, when Chris was finally able to come home, we didn't know it until a day or so before he did.  We were so glad to be together and Chris relented a little on the idea that he loves adventure, change, and spontaneity and maybe the same things and a normal routine aren't all that bad.  So, here's to next Valentine's Day! (But the bar isn't set too high)

Valentine's Schmalentine's Part I

Random photo shop, but he is wearing red!

Valentine's Day is overrated.  I am possibly saying this because my last few have been disappointing.  Let me first say that Chris has nothing to do with this. These dismal February 14ths have been out of our control.  I used to like this holiday; beautiful flowers, gobs of pink, and a fancy dinner.  But, let's be honest. If you are married, expensive flowers are nice, but you are the one paying for them. I can wear pink any time of the year and do.  And if you are brave enough to try and go out to dinner on Valentine's Day, you wait hours even if you have a reservation.  This has been my experience, anyway.  Perhaps my sour mood has something to do with passing the time until my ride (aka mom) comes to pick me up and take me to the doctor's office to get a throat culture.  Nothing says "Happy Valentine's Day" like a cotton swab being jammed down your throat!  Anyway, I haven't felt very well the last few days.  With my luck, I've gotten up early, enlisted my mom to chauffeur me, wait an hour at the doctor's just for them to tell me I have a cold and to drink more fluids.  But, I would rather know early on if I need meds or not to worry.  History shows that  any time I have a sore throat, it is due to some infection or something.  I usually get these at least twice a year.  I guess I was naive to think I was safe since I am mostly at home.  I may need to think seriously about cutting out my few weekly outings to avoid getting sick like this again before Cohen comes.  I have been trying to go to church and help at the grocery store, but that just may come to an end.  Ironically, I will probably get sick just going to my weekly OB appointments.
Speaking of appointments, (I'll get back to V-day in a moment) there was only one troubling incident of note in the last week or so.  Chris never fails to make a comment about the sign that tells to to stay your distance because of other patients' privacy.  However, this is not very effective if the receptionist is going to holler out all of your information for the entire waiting room to hear anyway! Forget that five foot buffer.  This lady has the tone and annunciation of a kindergarten teacher and she acts as if you are dumb or deaf or both.  Last week when she presented my form to me to sign, I quickly scanned the top info to make sure it was correct.  The reason for my visit was different than it usually is, so I inquired about it.  As loud as she could, she leaned over the counter and pointed to the words. "OB MEANS YOU ARE PREGNANT..." and so on and so forth.  I was mortified and turned bright red. Something I haven't done since school days when I was called out in class. Then I was more embarrassed about being the shade of a cherry than what I had done.  I didn't even hear the rest of her explanation.  I looked around the room and several patients were looking at me as if I were the biggest idiot in the world.  Contrary to what this lady believes, I do know what OB stands for.  It was the rest of the initials I was asking about.  Chris was kind of mad and wanted to mention it to our doctor, saying that what if it was really private information that she was sharing with the world?  I talked him out of it, saying that our info wasn't private this time, and our good doctor doesn't need to be bothered with such matters. 
Back to Valentine's Day.  Oh, shucks. I need top get ready to go.  But, I will post what last Valentine's Day was like when I get back.

Cohen is Getting Big! (and so am I!)

Nothing really noteworthy has occurred in the last week or so.  We finished our last Birthing Class without being a disruption.  We even received an official certificate of completion.  And our last doctor's appointments have gone really well!  In fact, this week we waited an hour or so then we were told the doctor had left for a delivery and since he personally wanted us to see him instead of a nurse practitioner, we could wait for his return  or re-schedule for the next day.  I consulted with Chris. He surprised me by saying he wanted to wait.  Even more surprising was that on this particular day, Chris was very well-behaved, which was especially annoying because this was the most antsy and impatient I have been through all of our weekly appointments.  I wasn't feeling well. There was a lady nearby who was coughing off and on (I really don't want even a cold!). The atmosphere in the waiting room was tense since they were backed up.  We heard rumors of people leaving and witnessed many walk-ups to the counter to inquire about the wait.  None of this phased Chris. He made an amazing amount of progress on his novel and barely noticed the people around him until he participated in a stare-off with an older lady whose gaze had settled on him. Chris won. People came and went.  The office seemed to be closing down and I was afraid they forgot about us.  Then the lone nurse informed us that our doctor was back!  I realized he had come back specifically for us and it was his Birthday! I felt a bad, but at least we didn't need to repeat the whole ordeal the next day! Anyway, it went well and the doctor said he is extremely pleased with us and where we are.  He said Cohen is getting really big and gave me no comfort or assurance about ultimately having a c-section if he is too big! I guess I won't worry about that now.  Chris and our doctor exchanged info about local BBQ joints and we were on our way!

I thought for those who are interested, I would post pictures of Cohen from the beginning.  They are amazing to me, but if they make you squeamish (like my sister), avoid the next section!

Our first glimpse around 6 weeks!
  

Around 7 weeks

One of my favorites-the "gummi bear" photo at around 8 weeks.

Our last picture at 9 weeks at the specialist before we graduated to a regular ob!

A little person around 10 or 11 weeks.

First official sonogram at 20 weeks.

Follow-up sonogram at 26 weeks-so big!

Me, plenty big at 22 weeks (with Tucker)!

A Near Success

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."  Psalm 3:5 & 6

This verse is so simple and well-known, yet so powerful.  I go over it in my mind when I need to remember that no matter how much knowledge we can ascertain about a situation, it is only God who knows it all and is in control.
Let me first say that Cohen is doing great!  In addition to his rolling around, punching, and kicking, he has added something else to his repertoire; hiccuping!  It's the cutest thing.  But, of course, I worry if he is hiccuping too much!  Although he is doing well, our appointment last week did not go so well.  So, we never did get the snow they said was coming but our doctor's office called and canceled our appointment anyway since our doctor had a delivery that would take the entirety of the afternoon. The doctor's nurse re-scheduled for Friday.  When we arrived, it was like a ghost town because most of the doctors don't see patients on Fridays. I hadn't even sat down before they called us!  Anyway, I came armed with a new batch of questions since we are in the middle of the birthing class.  Let's just say the doctor's answers were too blunt and too "worst-case scenario" for me!  With all that he knew we had been through, I was surprised that he would not choose his words more wisely. And just to slather the icing on the cake, as he went out the door he made an unnecessary, dreadfully unhelpful personal observation that was not solicited at all. Bewildered Chris had tried to smooth over both the doctor's comments by seeking clarification, but it just got worse.  I looked at Chris as the doctor finally exited and the look on his face said it all; he heard what I did and he was horrified because he knew those words would send me into a tailspin for quite some time. Don't get me wrong, I think my doctor is the best there is and I know he is a strong, Christian man who has more experience and wisdom than I could ever ask for, but I spent the following hour waiting for my glucose test in tears.  Frankly, I wanted to cancel my appointment this week, but Chris wouldn't let me.  I prefer waiting three hours to hear those things every other week instead of in a weekly dose.  I'm afraid to ask any more questions.  I think I prefer our good friend Mr. Google from now on.  But, the most important thing is that I trust the Lord for our outcome.  Even though our doctor is the expert, he doesn't know everything. In fact, the day before my trip to the ER, he said there was no reason to worry about anything like that happening the remainder of the pregnancy.

Now on to other topics.  Chandler is doing really well. His hives have disappeared, but his behavior is still a little strange. He gazes off as if unto the vast unknown for several minutes at a time and plays a game pretending as if he will go under the covers of the bed than pops right out and eventually sleeps on our head or near it. He's never been like this before! He always prefers to sleep along my shins and does so for hours. Oh, well. We are closely monitoring him.  Also, to add to our pet woes, Joey had a fairly bad seizure for him on Thursday night.  It is so scary!  The worrisome thing is that this is the second one in two weeks; not good at all. Sometimes he goes several months without one. So, once again, closely being monitored.  Of course it does not help that Chris and I have been going along on on merry way giving Joey two different doses of medicine depending on who feeds him.  I had it in my mind that he received .6 ml after his last seizure and Chris always thought .5 ml.  I was mortified to have to call and ask this question after all this time and even more mortified that Chris was right!  Small victory for him.  He still has a lot to make up, though!

Oh, Birthing class. Last night we were prepared and standing strong. Resolved to conduct ourselves like the adults we are. It went well.....for awhile.  We discussed the last stages of labor and watched a video following a couple through the entire process. Then we watched a delightful little show about c-sections.  I'll let you in on a little tip; do not partake in the snacks in the back of the room ever during this type of class!  Not a good idea unless absolutely necessary for feeling light-headed and woozy or you have a stomach of steel! Anyway, I decided there are no good options to giving birth.  So, just as I was giving  Chris and myself a mental pat on the back for behaving so well, out come the mats and balls!  Chris and I scooted to the side to make room for everyone actually participating in this portion.  Now, I am always some what confused by what the instructor expects of me at this point. She asks me to join in on some things and looks at me to see if I am at least doing the special breathing. This night she decided to give Chris a job. She threw him one of the flat exercise balls and a pump. So, while everyone was doing their "deep cleansing breaths", Chris was struggling in every which way to get the valve out of this ball.  I tried to help and we were both pulling and twisting, then arguing when Chris pulled out his pocket knife.  It was quite the scene for the room that was so quiet. But, we didn't want to let the instructor down.  We would set it aside, succumbed to our fate of failure, then one of us would have renewed strength and start working on it again, nonchalantly. But, you can't wrestle with a huge, blue ball in front of a Lamaze class, nonchalantly!  We gave up and joined in on the coach-massage where Chris nearly knocked me of the ball several times, so we probably remained the focal point for the instructor even though we were doing our best to fit in.  Oh, well. A near success. There is always Thursday night.

Bumps in the Night

I am less than excited about the impending forecast of snow for the next day or so. I really have to resist the urge to be one of those people that makes a grocery list for at least a week and fills all my cars up with gas as if the world just might come to a stand still. Chris makes fun of those people. I am a closet "one of those people". I did make Chris a small list of things to get after his dentist appointment today.  Here's to hoping I don't add to the list and overwhelm his "list app" on his ipod that he has come to rely on these last several months!  Another reason I am worried about the weather is because we have our weekly ob appointment tomorrow and I am scheduled to have the glucose test and other blood work done.  It doesn't seem to bother Chris that at the time of our appointment we should be ankle-deep in snow!  "We'll be fine. We have four-wheel drive!"  Oh, of course. Well, at least maybe the other ob appointments tomorrow will cancel and we will avoid a three-hour wait like last time.
That's right.  I said three hours!  And Chris had been doing so well after he read what he was like at the doctor's office.  He has definitely, officially had a relapse.  He actually did pretty well for the first hour or so. He took his Nook and accomplished quite a bit of reading.  But after he started stretching and sighing I broached the subject of calling the office's bluff and inform them that we have waited way past the 30 minutes from our scheduled appointment time like the sign says. But, I know all too well they look at you like, "Why did you bother to waddle up here when you know all I will tell you is that your doctor is running behind, like always?"  So, we kept waiting.  We were finally allowed to go past the magic door and wait in the exam room. At this point, Chris got his second wind.  As he pointed out, it's not his fault that he already looked through the NRA magazine last time. He started pacing and fiddling.  Just when I thought he would pull out his ipod or put on another concert, he went a different route. He said, "You know? I don't think we should have more than three kids."  Surprised by his serious tone, I said, "Ok. Why not?"  He replied, "Because.  The statistics show that every one in four babies born these days are Chinese."  He exploded with laughter. I joined in.  So now he is telling jokes.  He thought that particular one was good enough to tell the doctor. I disagreed.  Later on, while I was asking the doctor a really important question, Chris started snickering. I whipped my head around while the doctor was looking at his laptop and asked him why he was laughing at me. He said he was still laughing at his joke.  Whatever keeps him coming to our appointments, right?

We had our second birthing class last night.  And yes, we were able to keep our composure.  But, we never got to floor exercises, either, so there is probably a correlation.  After mulling over all this "birthing" information, I have come to two conclusions; 1) Maybe it would have been best to avoid this class altogether. Then I'd have no idea what was about to hit me and it would be too late and 2) Maybe c-sections aren't so bad?  As Chris put it, this class and the whole upcoming process is frightening and overwhelming.  Trying not to dwell on it.

Now, to "Bumps in the Night."  We are still recovering from sleeping only two or three hours the other night.  Early Monday evening, our little Chandler started growing hives at an alarming rate.  Now, we know he is allergic to peanuts and heart worm medication, but he has not had an episode for almost a year!  Could he have scarfed up a dry roasted peanut I had unknowingly dropped while he was perusing the kitchen floor?  We will never know. We administered benadryl hoping this would take care of it.  But, if his rapid pacing, frantic scratching and heart-wrenching crying was any indication of the night to come, we were in trouble. He made it in his cage only a few hours. His whimpering was unbearable. So, to bed with me. Except he did not want to sleep and that is all he usually does.  Now, I haven't mentioned that Chandler also had a teeth-cleaning surgery late last week which left him feeling less than excellent in the first place.  Anyway, I tried to sleep on the couch with our poor chihuahua so Chris could sleep, but that was also a miserable fail.  Chandler spent most of the night in an awkward seated position atop Chris's pillow, moaning. I couldn't sleep at all.  The next morning, we called the vet and scheduled an appointment right away.  My sister gave up her morning to sleep in to transport "Bumpy",  Joey (we would have another crisis on our hands if we left the brother alone), and me to the vet.  And wouldn't you know it, most the bumps were gone and there was no evidence of the horrible night we had all experienced!  But, when Chandler has a reaction, it is an off and on situation for several days.  Luckily, the vet could feel the remnants and Chandler was given a shot that made him cry like he was being tortured. Then off we went, hoping we would not need to return any time soon.   Needless to say we were very discouraged when we arrived home from our birthing class last night and Chandy looked worse than ever!  We gave him his medicine and attempted to distract him for an hour or so.  Then we tucked him into his bed with the prayer that we all would be able to sleep through the night.  Success!  In fact, I woke Chandler up to check on him. He is doing better and in fact, he is still in bed a I type this!
So, once again, our hope is for a boring, uneventful remainder of the week.

Poor Chandler!

The Embarrassment

Well, we embarrassed ourselves in our very first birthing class on Tuesday.  We have three classes left to redeem ourselves.
We made sure we arrived early to talk to the instructor about our "special" circumstances.  I introduced us and explained that we were able to attend the class, but I wouldn't be able to participate in any floor exercises per our doctor and the bed rest, etc.  She was very understanding and said that was fine.  Here we were, adults, about to have a baby and learning the anatomy of pregnancy and the different stages of labor.  I was somewhat uneasy about all of this less-than-stellar information regarding what exactly would happen to me in the coming months since I have been taking one day at a time and avoiding all of the "labor & delivery" info.  After going over all of this somber, yet exciting (because it means you are close to meeting your baby!) information, the teacher announced we will transition to some floor work. We were all shuffling tables and chairs and Chris and I were just trying to get out of the way. Most of the people in the class probably thought we just forgot our pillows and beach towel, but they were about to think we were more irresponsible than that!
For one of  these moments to happen, you need three ingredients; 1) to be exhausted yourself, 2) to have someone else in said state, and 3) a semi-funny element. All of these things aligned perfectly at the completely inappropriate time. Chris and I were sitting there waiting for our elderly and wise instructor to begin and we both looked at the same thing, looked at each other and said the same thing at the same time, then we lost it!  You know that unstoppable laughter that you can't contain even if someone offered you a million dollars to stop?  We both frantically tried to find another spot in  the room to focus on other than each other or the funny element. We were wiping tears, getting puzzled looks from classmates and the narrow chastising eye from the instructor.  I was horrified but couldn't stop.  Chris got up and left the room  leaving defenseless me to withstand the most awkward moment ever.  I finally pulled it together but looked as if I had been crying.  Chris later returned.  The friends we had in the class did not understand what our problem was. But, the class finally moved on and were giggling themselves at the weird calming, breathing techniques they were being asked to partake in.  Chris and I behaved until we were dismissed from the class.  We both gave a serious, "we're not crazy but we are responsible and not lying about the floor exercises to get out of doing weird stuff," smile and "thank you" to the teacher before we ducked out of the room.
So, there's always next week.  Hopefully everyone will forget about our momentary immature outburst.  If I told you what the funny element was, you wouldn't see the humor in it like we did.  In fact it was embarrassing  to relay to our fellow friend classmates who were there and didn't understand our outburst because it really didn't warrant the scene we made.  I think all of this bed rest is making me loopy and Chris was just an innocent bystander.
On another note, we go back the the doctor today.  Cohen seems to be doing well and no news is good news, praise God!  I try and never take these normal days for granted.  There are so many verses and truths I try and hold on to while we wait for the Lord to perfect his miracle.  This is just one:

Psalm 73:26
"My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I know it may seem from some of my ramblings that I am fine and care-free, but the truth is I worry every day.  My thought is, things are going really well today, but that doesn't mean that will be true tomorrow.  I listen to everyone else's negative stories and by the time they are done I already have myself in their place in their own story convinced something like that will inevitably happen to me.  I have to be very vigilant about handing every thought over to God every day. I hate the uncertainty of it all, but I am learning so much!